Storage Wars: The Divorce

Since we were splitting up, I began the process of separating my stuff from her stuff.  This was by no means an easy task although either by accident or some precognitive moment, I started cleaning out the basement a few months earlier.  I went through all the boxes to get the stuff out of the rotting cardboard they were in and put them in plastic bins.  While doing this a LOT of items were thrown out.

It is truly amazing the amount of crap one tends to keep especially when its stuff you are simply carting from the storage area of one house (whether it be an attic, garage, closet or basement) to another house (whether it be an attic, garage, closet or basement).  I came across a small box of 45 rpm records that I used to “spin” back when I did D.J. work about a million years ago.  Such great hits like “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car” by Billy Ocean and “Cruel Summer” by Bananarama.  I probably D.J.’d for about two years before I realized there was no way I could afford to be a D.J.. Keeping up with the latest music was an expensive endeavor.  For the few gigs I got as a D.J., I doubt I was coming close to breaking even since I had to spend so much just to have a decent selection of music. Plus, I had these huge speakers that would blow the fuses out of my equipment if I played them too loud.  Not to mention what a bitch they were to haul around.   Nowadays, all you need is a laptop, iTunes, and desktop speakers that produce more sound than the giant ones I had.  What you really don’t need is someone to play them.  The iPod “Shuffle” feature probably put a lot of D.J.’s out of business.  Maybe if I had fancy disco lights and Village People props I could have stayed in business.

Anyway…where was I?  Oh yeah, the records.  I did my DJ thing for about two years back in the late 80’s and here I was still hanging onto these records. Did I think I would listen to them again?  I didn’t own a cassette player much less a record player.  Did I think they were going to be valuable? A quick check on eBay proved that to be a false hope and thus they were trashed…at least I think they were trashed…did I keep them?  Maybe I’ll find out in the next divorce.

I have to admit as I was digging through our stuff, I kept thinking, “Wow!  I can’t believe we just stored this away!” and then I would put the cherished, rediscovered item into its new storage bin and back on the shelf.  You always think that the junk you have might be worth something.  I’m sure it’s the very rare occasion that what you have is like something found on “Storage Wars” or “Antiques Roadshow.”  You know, the item that was unusual enough to get appraised and turns out it’s worth several thousand dollars.  I’m sure that Spider-Man coin I have from 1973 is only worth a few bucks (although I did find someone hawking one on eBay for $125.00…zero bids so far). 

But aside from treasure hunting through my stuff, another idea hit me.  I already have the Divorce Shower idea from the award winning blog, Bed, Bath and Bothered and now here’s the next winner:  A Pre-Boxtial Agreement!  Yes, you can still have your Pre-Nuptial agreement but I think we should start adding in the Pre-Boxtial Agreement.  It's simple.  The husband keeps his stuff in his own boxes and the wife in hers.  Allow me to elaborate in my best lawyerese:

  
 

Hereby and set forth upon this day and onward for the entirety of the marriage between the Husband and the Wife, all possessions that clearly and unequivocally belong to said Husband or Wife shall be stored separately and unequivocally from the other.

Said containment units shall also be color coded to be properly, quickly and unequivocally identified in the event that the aforementioned marriage between the aforementioned Husband and Wife is utterly and unequivocally terminated. 

A third uniquely identified containment unit shall be used to hold “marital property” that cannot be unequivocally declared to be the sole possession of the aforementioned Husband or the aforementioned Wife.  Said items shall include but not be limited to:  gravy boats, Christmas decorations, casserole dishes, vacuum cleaners, lazy susans, placemats, photo albums, small appliances no longer in use, doilies, and various bric-a-brac, doo-dads, and other weird names to describe decorative items that generally do no more than unequivocally gather dust.

For those readers who have been through the heartache of divorce, wouldn’t this have been a great help?  Heck, throw out heartache and put in backache!  Everything you owned ready to go at the first sign of unhappiness…or three years after the first sign of unhappiness…however it happens to fall.  Divorce is tough enough emotionally, does it have to be physically as well? 

I, unequivocally, say thee nay.

 

Next time: Breaking the routine