Anything but Normal

This probably won’t come as a big surprise to most of you but I really wasn’t prepared to go through a separation and divorce.  While I sensed there were problems, I didn’t think we were at DEFCON 1.  I certainly wasn’t prepared for the toll they were going to take on my emotions.   I may have been strong one day but the next I was as weak as Superman in a room made out of Kryptonite. 

Since I wasn’t able to move into my own place (as told in Making the Spare Bedroom Your Bedroom, Spare), I had to reside with a woman who no longer loved me and try to get on with my everyday routine.  Truth was, I just wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there; away from her, the situation, the routine, everything.  Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I couldn’t do that…I suppose I could have but there is no way that would have been healthy.  Making McDonald’s my breakfast, lunch, dinner and late night snack for a year would have been healthier than that.

What struck me the most is how it wasn’t the big things that got me thinking about that rock.  I handled issues about visitations rights, custody, child support, the separation of our stuff and filing all the divorce papers with a relative amount of sanity. 

But when it came to the small stuff…

The everyday stuff…

The normal stuff…

…well, that’s when it got to me.  “Hey, how about we grill some steaks tonight?” or “Do you want a cup of coffee?”   The normal talk two married people have would make me go dark and silent.  I kept thinking we shouldn’t have this type of conversation.  Our situation was not normal and thus normal conversation should be banned.  We should be feeling sad or mad or guilty or embarrassed…anything but normal.

Why would I have a problem with the normal stuff?  I had to think about this one for a bit but I believe it comes down to the fact that talking normal led to feeling like things WERE normal.  For example, a few Saturdays ago, our daughters were in a dance recital.  We drove separate cars, mainly because I planned on going to a local home improvement warehouse afterwards, but, if I’m being honest, it’s just more comfortable that way.  My wife’s mom and step-dad came and it brought great joy to us to see our daughters dancing up on stage. 

Afterwards (and this is a three hour afterwards…dance recitals can be long), my wife asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her and the girls.  My initial reaction was to say no but I was hungry and decided to go.  While having dinner, the subject of going to the movies came up and the next thing you know, we all went to the movies.

The worst possible thing happened that night:  We had a good time. (insert dramatic music here..something like "Da-da-duummmmmmmm")

Having a good time leads to those ever familiar and dreaded questions:  “Why did we let it get so bad?  Doesn’t she like times like these?  Won’t she miss these times?  What the hell happened?”  The buzzing crept back into my head.

Fortunately, I had a lot of practice with these questions.  I was getting pretty good at controlling them, putting them on the shelf and shutting the cabinet door on them.  I realized whatever we were experiencing at the time was a momentary thing.  The way we were was no longer and we had to deal with the way it was.  Early on in the situation, I would have been considerably depressed for a few days over something like this but I guess I was starting to heal.  It was still sad but it was no longer devastating. 

I also avoided talking about events outside of us, the children or the divorce.  I needed to stop sharing that type of personal stuff because, again, it would make our situation feel normal.  My dad had back surgery while we were in the middle of finalizing the divorce agreement and I was worried about him.  I sent my wife an email about it and I regretted it the second I clicked the Send button.  I was reaching out to her for comfort and I realized I had to stop doing that.  I either needed to turn to other sources for that type of comfort or just comfort myself. 

In addition to bad news, I also didn’t like to share good news or just regular, everyday “news.”  As anyone would do, I spent time chatting with my neighbors.  Normally, after having conversations like this, I would talk to my wife about some of the things “the guys” and I talked about but not anymore.  Why?  Well, it’s that word again: “normal.”  I just couldn’t talk about anything other than the divorce and child matters because I didn’t want things to feel normal. 

Were my wife and I still friends?  It’s a question I still wonder about.  I wouldn’t say we were enemies but “friends” didn’t seem right either.  There’s a certain air of normalcy to being friends…we were more “very familiar acquaintances.”  I think that best sums it up. 

I do wonder if we’ll ever get back to having “normal talk.”  We still have the job of raising our children so we must communicate at some level but will we be able to conduct normal talk?  If we do, then I know it will a sign of healing.  One that means a step closer towards forgiveness and starting over has been taken with the person I was once “one” with. We’ll never be that “one” again but maybe we can be that “two.”  Two people who can simply talk.

What could be more normal than that?

Next time:  The hunt for the house