The Healing Walk

Blogger’s Note:  Inserting a different blog here from what I promised at the end of the last blog.  Oh and if you enjoy reading my blogs and don’t want to miss a single one, enter your email address in the box to the right and you will get notified when a new one comes up!  I should’ve had that on day one but I’m just learning the tricks of the Blog World.  Now, on with my whining!  :) 

I think I jinxed myself.

In my previous blog, Anything But Normal, I “bragged” about being able to control and put up on a cabinet shelf the deluge of questions that frequently came up about what went wrong between me and my wife.  Well, I apparently don’t have that much control.  I woke up around 11:30 last night (after going to bed at 10:30) and did not go back to sleep until around 2:30 because of the constant buzzing in my head. 

The buzzing continued when I woke up at 6:30 and proceeded to get worse until I was practically incapacitated by around 10ish.  I know I lose man points when I admit to crying but I’m confident enough in the points I have left to take that chance.  Yes, after probably a couple week dry spell, I broke down.  Why?  I don’t know.  That’s the problem with the buzzing…it never has any real answers just questions.  I decided, however, instead of just sitting there wondering when the tears would stop, I would do something about it.  So, I took the advice of a good friend and went for a walk.

Prior to all this divorce stuff, I was pretty active in the P90X circuit.  I was about two months into the program and had lost about 10 pounds and starting to notice the weight coming off.  I store my fat in my face and in my belly.   That’s it.  Nothing else seems to get the attention of my fat cells.  I, however, had a better weight loss plan than Tony Horton and P90X.  I had … the Divorce Diet!  Yes, in just one month, I lost 15 pounds.  It’s amazing what simply not eating will do to your waistline.

Unfortunately, I hadn’t been doing P90X since finding out that I was getting a divorce.  I just didn’t have the desire or time to fit it in.  I was spending a lot of time just staring into space or working on divorce papers or finding another house and that time took away from work so I need to catch up.  To do that, something had to give and it was the exercise.

This morning, however, I needed the exercise.  I needed the activity to help me battle the buzzing.

So, I walked and walked hard.

I thought about when I started exercising in earnest.  More specifically when I started training for my first and only 5K.  I did it because I sensed a gap forming between me and my wife as she was and is an active runner.  I thought maybe we could bridge that gap by running together.  I hate running, though.  Hurts my knees and I could never sustain enough stamina to keep running. I constantly started and stopped.  I sucked on my 5K and the truth was, she didn't need me as a running partner.  She had other friends who could keep up with her.  I did keep up with the exercise, though.  I worked out each morning.  I got a good sweat going and sent her pictures to prove I was doing it.  I thought it would make a difference.  It didn’t.   Well, it didn’t in our relationship but it did for me and my health.  I am probably in the best shape I’ve been in years and that’s a good thing…especially when you have kids that are MUCH younger than you. 

I kept walking.

I wished I knew how to turn off my brain or at least how to stop the buzzing.  I don’t know if it takes drugs or drinking…those probably aren’t good options but I sure would be up for something.  I thought I was through all this…all the staying up at night thinking about what could have been or what was.  Maybe I was still on Prague time since I just came back from a week there or maybe I was simply not as far along in the healing process as I thought I was.  Whatever the reason, the walk was definitely helping.

So, I kept walking.

I thought about the stuff that was buzzing in my head.  It was all the usual questions of “Why” and “How did this happen?”  The stuff I really will never have any answers to but they kept coming up.  I think I was focusing this time on what my wife was thinking.  Did she have the same type of feelings?  Did she also have a constant pit in her stomach?  Did she lose sleep?  Was she even upset about it at all?  These questions are generally unfair and I really don’t like speculating on what’s going on in her head.  I do think that she has better reign on her emotions, though.  Still, I wonder if she ever thinks about how she let it get this way.  I know that sounds like I’m placing blame on her but I’m not trying to do that.  I know I missed out on opportunities to recognize problems and to work on them but I can’t take all the responsibility and that’s where I'm asking (in my head) what responsibility was she taking.  She has admitted she should have talked about her unhappiness but that’s the extent of it.  I get mad at her because I don’t see her in the same moods I get into.  She doesn’t seem to be as remorseful or guilt ridden or sad about these things.  I suppose,  again, is that she’s better at hiding it and me getting mad about it isn't helping anyone...least of all me.

What about me?  Can I hide my emotions?  No.  No way.  When I was younger, I used to think I was Mr. Cool.  Mr. Emotionless.  No one could read me, man.  Right.  I was actually Mr. Heart On My Sleeve.  I was and am blatantly obvious with my emotions.  So much so Stevie Wonder could read me.  If I’m sad, people know.  If I’m mad, people know.  I would have made a terrible spy.  I wish had my wife’s emotional control.

I kept on walking.

My brain was starting to get as tired as my legs.  I realized I had been walking for about two hours.  The sweat was pouring out of me…stinging my eyes.  This was all good although I wished I had planned my walk better.  I would have chosen running shorts and a lighter t-shirt but it was a spontaneous thing.  It won’t be the next time…which will be tomorrow.  I need to keep going on these walks or getting back into P90X.  I think the sweat that is leaving my body is also washing out each “worry” or “question” or “wonder” or “what if” that makes up the buzzing. 

Leaving those things in the cabinet I was storing them in was wrong.  These questions don’t need to be stored away.

They need to be let go.

Next time:  The hunt for the house