Today would have been my ninth wedding anniversary.
Actually, since the judge hasn’t signed off on the divorce yet, I guess it’s still my ninth wedding anniversary but that’s all just a formality. The MMC has given me her final sign off on the divorce papers so there wasn’t any last minute reprieves or second thoughts on the whole thing. It’s done and with that, I think this blog is done as well.
I started this blog at a time when I was really lost in everything that was going on. I was still wondering why the divorce was happening and my emotional outlook was very bleak at the time. I had questions on what happened with my marriage, what will happen to my daughters, how was I going to get by and why were mattresses so expensive? Writing this was my therapy. It allowed me to put down on “paper” what was going through my mind at the time and straighten out the thoughts that were buzzing through my head at a mile a minute, going in a hundred different directions. In some ways, this blog helped to keep me sane.
But it wasn't only this blog. I’m not sure if I have ever taken the time to thank the people who helped me through this by simply sitting there and letting me vent on what I was going through. I owe those people a world of gratitude whether they helped me on the phone, via email or in person. Writing this stuff out is one thing, but having a person to talk to about it is another. I guess I would also like to apologize to those same people if I took too much of their time. This divorce became my favorite topic of conversation and there were probably times where I went off on it and never asked them how they were doing. I’m sorry if I did that (and I know I did). When you’re hurt, you tend to be self-centered a bit and while maybe it’s understandable, it’s not right. Of the many things this experience has taught me, one is that you need to constantly think about others and try to put them before yourself as best as you can. Whether this means making sure your spouse and children are ahead of your job or letting someone talk about their troubles instead of just having them listen to yours, the world runs much better when we deal with it as a team instead of just looking out for yourself.
I’ll admit, though, I did this blog solely for me. I had no intention of trying to help other people with it and was surprised at the number of people who reached out to me to tell me they were going through the same thing or how I “read their mind” on whatever topic I was going on about. When going through a rough time, you think you’re the only one who is or has experienced what you are going through but in truth, you’re just one of the many. It’s kind of sad really to think that divorce or marriage trouble in general is so common. Still, if what I wrote gave any grain of comfort to someone going through a bad time too, it makes what I wrote even more worthwhile than the help it gave me to write it. Hope that made sense. J
By ending this blog, does it mean that I’m happy and content with my life right now? No, not even close but there isn't any more that I can say about what happened and how I have transitioned to being single that would uncover any new ground. I still have bouts of buzzing where I wonder why or what happened but now I just yell at myself to shut up because I've covered all of it before and there won’t be any new answers to come out of it. Instead of torturing myself by asking the same questions I had three months ago, I try to just face forward and move on. Unfortunately, that doesn't prevent the buzzing from coming. I read a line about divorce that I thought was apt: “Marriage is temporary but divorce is forever.” Cynical about marriage, yes, but certainly true about divorce. I applaud the people who figured out how to make marriage work and I hope it continues to work “until death do them part.” That’s what it is supposed to be, isn't it?
The other reason I started this blog was to recapture a creative side I used to have. I think I have accomplished that and I’m not going to give it up so while this blog is ending, I’ll probably start up another but with a focus more on day to day life and other types of observations. I’m also looking at putting what I've written here into some type of book. There’s a challenge to that because I’m not sure if it would be more fiction or non-fiction or self-help or what. I think I need to write it first. I've got a decent start with about 40,000 words with what I've done here. I just need to build around it.
But I have rediscovered the writer inside me and I appreciate all of the kind words I've received about the blog. The best one was someone telling me they don’t read but they read my blogs. I’m not sure there is higher praise.
Of course this blog will live on. Nothing dies when it’s on the internet, does it? I’m sure it will still show up on search engines and maybe others will benefit from what I have written or, if nothing else, have a laugh. I wonder if my girls will ever come across this and I guess there is some concern they won’t like what I have written. That may be a baseless concern, though. I don’t believe I have put their mother in that bad a light. Yes, I've made it clear she didn't do a lot to work on the marriage when she became unhappy but I think she knows and acknowledges that. Plus, I feel like I have done my part in sharing the blame. Yes, there were a couple posts I wrote on issues where we disagreed but again, I don’t think I was ever heavy handed or vengeful. Some may say writing this blog to begin with was vengeful but really, it wasn't. I never started this with the intent of making her look bad. Obviously, this all comes from my side of things and by that nature, she becomes the “bad guy” but that was not intentional on my part. I just wrote about what I was feeling at the time. I asked people who know both me and my ex if I was ever being unfair to her and I was always told no so I’m going to take that to heart. Hopefully my girls will see it the same way.
So, it’s time to take “Went From Being Married to Single” to just “Being Single” (although that probably won’t be the title). I’m not sure what exactly I will write about or when I will even put out the first one but rest assured, it will be coming. I don’t want to lose the writing “momentum” I have gained from this.
Again, if you are reading this and have read my posts or will be reading my posts, thank you. The feedback I have gotten has been as fulfilling as was writing them to begin with.
Much like my marriage, however, this blog’s time is over. Kind of fitting, isn’t it? Maybe my next blog should be about the loss of my first blog? Hmmm…
Take care and thanks for listening.