The End

Today would have been my ninth wedding anniversary.

Actually, since the judge hasn’t signed off on the divorce yet, I guess it’s still my ninth wedding anniversary but that’s all just a formality.  The MMC has given me her final sign off on the divorce papers so there wasn’t any last minute reprieves or second thoughts on the whole thing.  It’s done and with that, I think this blog is done as well. 

I started this blog at a time when I was really lost in everything that was going on.  I was still wondering why the divorce was happening and my emotional outlook was very bleak at the time.  I had questions on what happened with my marriage, what will happen to my daughters, how was I going to get by and why were mattresses so expensive?  Writing this was my therapy.  It allowed me to put down on “paper” what was going through my mind at the time and straighten out the thoughts that were buzzing through my head at a mile a minute, going in a hundred different directions.  In some ways, this blog helped to keep me sane. 

But it wasn't only this blog.  I’m not sure if I have ever taken the time to thank the people who helped me through this by simply sitting there and letting me vent on what I was going through.  I owe those people a world of gratitude whether they helped me on the phone, via email or in person.  Writing this stuff out is one thing, but having a person to talk to about it is another.  I guess I would also like to apologize to those same people if I took too much of their time.  This divorce became my favorite topic of conversation and there were probably times where I went off on it and never asked them how they were doing.  I’m sorry if I did that (and I know I did).  When you’re hurt, you tend to be self-centered a bit and while maybe it’s understandable, it’s not right.  Of the many things this experience has taught me, one is that you need to constantly think about others and try to put them before yourself as best as you can.  Whether this means making sure your spouse and children are ahead of your job or letting someone talk about their troubles instead of just having them listen to yours, the world runs much better when we deal with it as a team instead of just looking out for yourself.

I’ll admit, though, I did this blog solely for me.  I had no intention of trying to help other people with it and was surprised at the number of people who reached out to me to tell me they were going through the same thing or how I “read their mind” on whatever topic I was going on about.  When going through a rough time, you think you’re the only one who is or has experienced what you are going through but in truth, you’re just one of the many.  It’s kind of sad really to think that divorce or marriage trouble in general is so common.  Still, if what I wrote gave any grain of comfort to someone going through a bad time too, it makes what I wrote even more worthwhile than the help it gave me to write it.  Hope that made sense.  J

By ending this blog, does it mean that I’m happy and content with my life right now?  No, not even close but there isn't any more that I can say about what happened and how I have transitioned to being single that would uncover any new ground.  I still have bouts of buzzing where I wonder why or what happened but now I just yell at myself to shut up because I've covered all of it before and there won’t be any new answers to come out of it.  Instead of torturing myself by asking the same questions I had three months ago, I try to just face forward and move on.  Unfortunately, that doesn't prevent the buzzing from coming.  I read a line about divorce that I thought was apt:  “Marriage is temporary but divorce is forever.”  Cynical about marriage, yes, but certainly true about divorce.  I applaud the people who figured out how to make marriage work and I hope it continues to work “until death do them part.”  That’s what it is supposed to be, isn't it?

The other reason I started this blog was to recapture a creative side I used to have.  I think I have accomplished that and I’m not going to give it up so while this blog is ending, I’ll probably start up another but with a focus more on day to day life and other types of observations.  I’m also looking at putting what I've written here into some type of book.  There’s a challenge to that because I’m not sure if it would be more fiction or non-fiction or self-help or what.  I think I need to write it first.  I've got a decent start with about 40,000 words with what I've done here.  I just need to build around it. 

But I have rediscovered the writer inside me and I appreciate all of the kind words I've received about the blog.  The best one was someone telling me they don’t read but they read my blogs.  I’m not sure there is higher praise. 

Of course this blog will live on.  Nothing dies when it’s on the internet, does it?  I’m sure it will still show up on search engines and maybe others will benefit from what I have written or, if nothing else, have a laugh.  I wonder if my girls will ever come across this and I guess there is some concern they won’t like what I have written.  That may be a baseless concern, though.  I don’t believe I have put their mother in that bad a light.  Yes, I've made it clear she didn't do a lot to work on the marriage when she became unhappy but I think she knows and acknowledges that.  Plus, I feel like I have done my part in sharing the blame. Yes, there were a couple posts I wrote on issues where we disagreed but again, I don’t think I was ever heavy handed or vengeful.  Some may say writing this blog to begin with was vengeful but really, it wasn't.  I never started this with the intent of making her look bad.  Obviously, this all comes from my side of things and by that nature, she becomes the “bad guy” but that was not intentional on my part.  I just wrote about what I was feeling at the time.  I asked people who know both me and my ex if I was ever being unfair to her and I was always told no so I’m going to take that to heart.  Hopefully my girls will see it the same way. 

So, it’s time to take “Went From Being Married to Single” to just “Being Single” (although that probably won’t be the title).  I’m not sure what exactly I will write about or when I will even put out the first one but rest assured, it will be coming.  I don’t want to lose the writing “momentum” I have gained from this. 

Again, if you are reading this and have read my posts or will be reading my posts, thank you.  The feedback I have gotten has been as fulfilling as was writing them to begin with. 

Much like my marriage, however, this blog’s time is over.  Kind of fitting, isn’t it?  Maybe my next blog should be about the loss of my first blog?  Hmmm…

Take care and thanks for listening.
 

Single White Male: Part 1

This will probably be a multi-part post like the highly acclaimed and award winning Moving Daze series of posts…oh wait...that series was neither acclaimed or award winning.  Well, here’s my chance to change all that.

So, let’s run down where I am:

·         Discovered wife no longer loved me.  Check.

·         Filed for divorce.  Check.

·         Wife and kids moved out.  Check.

·         I moved out.  Check.

·         Settled into new house. Check.

·         Have rocking new single life.  Che…uh…wait.

That last one needs some development and we’re still in the requirements gathering stage.

Let’s take a look at where I am as a single man but let’s put aside dating for another time.  I need to evaluate where I am as a person.  It’s more important that I take time for me and what I am going to do with my life.  The dating and potential relationships can either come from that or by other means, but as I said, we’ll talk about that later. Let’s take stock at who I am right now.

First and foremost, I am and will continue to be a father.  My two daughters are so important to me and watching them grow will always bring fulfillment and contentment to my life.  ‘Nuff said.

Second, I am a working man.  Until I win the lottery or find hidden treasure in my backyard, I need my job as both a source of income and satisfaction of doing good work.  I believe that whatever you are doing to make a living in this world, you should do it to the best of your ability.  I will strive to be a valued employee to the company I work for.  I don’t have aspirations to become a CEO or anything like that.  Just make a comfortable living to afford the good things in life or at least the semi-good things in life.

So that leads us to my personal life…or lack thereof.  This is something that has been kicking around in my mind for a while now.  When I was married, there were times where I put the job before my family and I regret that but my family was always first.  Since my job had me travelling a lot, I relegated doing anything for me to the back burner so I could spend time with my wife and daughters when I was home.  I suppose I failed a bit at that considering where I am now but regardless, I always tried to put them first. As I said before, it didn't seem fair for me to be out of town all week, come home and then spend all day on the golf course or out hunting (if I hunted). This means I didn't get the time to develop a personal life for myself.  And by that I mean hobbies or interests other than things I did with my family or individual things like reading or writing which I barely did anyway.

Now that I am on my own, I’m paying a bit for not carving out that personal life for myself.  I don’t regret this, by the way. I felt I was doing the right thing for myself and my family and that the other stuff would just grow as time went by.  That may still happen but it will take even longer now that I am on my own.  The point is I have a definitive hole in my life.  That hole was once filled with my marriage, but now, it's empty.  This is a void I need to fill. 

Before I was married, I worked for a company where I had the opportunity to sate my need to do something more than just work and search for dates.  Outside of the friendships I developed and still maintain with the people I worked with (thank you, Facebook!), I was active in company events such as the charities they supported and company picnics.  If there was an event being held that either honored the employees or talked about strategic plans, I was generally involved.  I loved doing that and it helped fill this gap that eventually was filled by my marriage and family but now the gap is present again. With my current job, I work from home and while I could host a company talent show, it would be in my backyard and I would be the only employee present. I do miss that day to day camaraderie of working in an office and have thought if worse came to worst, I could try to find an office job somewhere local.  The problem with that is a) it may be hard to find something with a comparable salary to what I am making now and b) “local” for here would mean at least an hour drive one way to an office…especially an office that could offer the aforementioned comparable salary.  I suppose this is something I could pursue if I needed to but that would really be a last resort.

That leaves finding other ways to bring back something fulfilling to me but we have uncovered a key aspect to whatever this may be.  It needs to be something where I am around other people.  Sure I can continue to blog or even start up my own YouTube channel and that would fill a creative need but I’m still doing those things by myself and they would not give me the gratification of doing something with others.  Friendships are best made when you connect by sharing a common interest. I think at my age, I'm beyond just meeting someone at random and becoming friends with them. That's easier when your younger but harder when you're older.  Call it experience to be able to tell when someone is somewhat creepy within five minutes or just call it being a snob but I'm too old to try work on a friendship at that level. 

That became all too apparent this past weekend when I took my daughters to the indoor pool I have access to where I live and some guy introduced himself while we were in the pool.  That may not sound too weird but when he asked if he could call me “Brother Kevin” and wanted to show me the fancy handshake he learned in the Bronx, I realized that maybe simply meeting people at the pool wasn’t the best idea.  Luckily, I had my girls there and while they are very good swimmers, I needed to “keep an eye on them” so I went to play Marco Polo with them and I HATE Marco Polo.  Probably the worst pool game ever.

But I digresss…

So my options for filling in the void that has been present since the divorce…although pushed to the back while I was finding house, moving, and then getting settled... is to find activities that interest me and that I can do with other folks who share the same interest.  But what are those activities?   What options are available to me?

Before you answer, I have some ideas…but I’ll talk about them next time.

The New Family Game Night

Last time I said I was going to explore my single life and what I’m going to make of it but that is taking more thought that I originally…uh…thought.  I need some more time to get it all straight but I am trying to put at least two of these posts out each week and I’m behind so let me make a slight digression and talk about something else right now.  Namely: games.

I had my daughters this weekend and my oldest wanted to have a family game night.  First of all, I was happy to hear this.  For the most part, my daughters now have two families. The one with their mother and one with me and it warms my heart to hear her still refer to family and include me in it.  I know that’s kind of silly on my part but when you are not around your kids 24 hours a day; you tend to think you’re second fiddle when it comes to real family.  Again, silly but it’s the world I live in right now.

Second, we needed games to play.  I have some but whatever games we had for the kids, the MMC has possession of them.  Not that we had a lot.  Our girls are really just getting to the age where they want to play games so our collection of kid based games has mainly been Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders.  Thus, we ventured to the store to get a couple more.  Our picks?  Hungry, Hungry Hippos and Kerplunk. 

I remembered these games as a kid so I was kind of excited to play them again because it’s been so long and I wondered if my kids would get as big a kick out of them.  We played Hungry, Hungry Hippos (HHH) first.  Let me say one thing about this game that I didn’t remember (or cared about) as a kid: it is LOUD!  My house, with hardwood floors and no curtains, amplifies just about any sound and the constant banging that is the main part of gameplay in HHH came across as a typical night in the streets of Beirut (assuming there is still a lot of gunfire going on in Beirut.  I’m really not sure but it’s my go to city when it comes to noisy warfare). 

Yes, HHC is a loud game and perhaps I’m too old but I eventually grabbed the ear buds from my iPod to wear while playing and it made it much more bearable.  At least as far as the sound is concerned.  The other problem I had with the game is the hippo head lock that occurred often in the midst of playing.  This is where the hippo head and neck gets out of whack and you can no longer control it with the flipper switch that is essentially lodged in the hippo’s rear end.  You have to pause your game to pull the neck out to get it to snap back into place.  Meanwhile all of the marbles are being eaten up by your opponents, namely my daughters who could give a crap about my lack of being able to play.  Since I am easily frustrated by little things, this served to annoy me to no end especially since it fell on me to unlock not only my hippo but my daughter’s hippos as well.  I momentarily became a veterinarian in the HHH world.

I wondered if both the noise and the constant hippo head lock was a problem with the original game.  I tend to think that stuff like this is being made much more cheaply today than back when I was a kid.  Call it old man syndrome, but I’m betting there was better hippo eating game craftsmanship back in the late 70’s when it first came out (yeah, I went to the Hungry, Hungry Hippos Wikipedia page for that bit of info).  I would love to compare an original game to the new one just to see.  Wonder if I could get one on eBay?

And while I’m on eBay for an original HHH game, I’d also like to get an original Kerplunk game too.  We played this one next and I was relieved because it wasn’t anywhere near as noisy but still I became frustrated with the set up.  If you don’t remember, Kerplunk is the game where you have a cylinder with a bunch of holes going around the middle.  You put a bunch of sticks through those holds and then put marbles on top.  The challenge is to pull out the sticks without any of the marbles falling.  The person with the most marbles at the end loses.  The problem with today’s version from what I remember about the one I played as a kid is that the sticks are now made of a bendable plastic instead of the original wooden ones.  When I was a kid, these were basically long toothpicks but now they are almost soft plastic. I can only imagine that some kid somewhere poked an eye out with toothpick-like ones and the family sued Hasbro or Mattel or whoever made the game and some governing body over children’s games said the sticks had to be safer thus the bendable, plastic ones were made. 

I’m not opposed to making things safer although I don’t remember any fatalities back when I originally played the game but these sticks are very frustrating to use during the set-up.  You see, since they bend, it’s hard to put them in a hole on one side and get them out of a hole on the other side of the tube.  When they were long toothpicks, it was relatively easy but now they bend down, up or to the side based on what obstacles they encounter going in.  Not a big deal with the first dozen or so but after that it’s an exercise in patience and time consuming just to get the game ready to play.  I also noticed that by the next day, some of the sticks were permanently bent thus further adding to the challenge of getting the game set up. 

Regardless of this, however, the game was still fun and let’s face it, it has the best game name in the history of game names.  Kerplunk!  I wonder if that is a legal word to play in Words With Friends or Scrabble?  If ever get that collection of letters, I’ll let you know.  I kind of doubt it but isn’t “kerplunk” a fair word to describe the sound of something dropping especially in water?  I’m sure I’ll throw it out there and get the all too familiar (to me at any rate): “Sorry, kerplunk is not an acceptable word.”  I’m now looking forward to having a K-E-R-P-L-U-N-K in my virtual tray in Words With Friends to try it out.  Wonder how long that will take?  Considering the number of games I currently have going, probably not that long and if it is legal, I would get the chance to use all of my letters!  Man, I am going to keep that in my back pocket for sure.

So, the new Family Game Night, despite the frustrations, was a success.  The girls and I had fun and even carried it over to the next morning after breakfast with a couple rounds of each.  I did, however, have to take careful inventory of all the different marbles and bendy sticks when we were cleaning up to make sure I had a complete set when we played again.

Before we do play again, however, I think I’m going to see if I can get some felt or something like that to put across the bottoms of the hippos mouths to act as a silencer.  Either that or throw an old set of ear buds into the game box so I’ll always have them.  Yeah, I’m old.  Deal with it.  I have to.