Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Single White Male: Part 1


This will probably be a multi-part post like the highly acclaimed and award winning Moving Daze series of posts…oh wait...that series was neither acclaimed or award winning.  Well, here’s my chance to change all that.

So, let’s run down where I am:

·         Discovered wife no longer loved me.  Check.

·         Filed for divorce.  Check.

·         Wife and kids moved out.  Check.

·         I moved out.  Check.

·         Settled into new house. Check.

·         Have rocking new single life.  Che…uh…wait.

That last one needs some development and we’re still in the requirements gathering stage.

Let’s take a look at where I am as a single man but let’s put aside dating for another time.  I need to evaluate where I am as a person.  It’s more important that I take time for me and what I am going to do with my life.  The dating and potential relationships can either come from that or by other means, but as I said, we’ll talk about that later. Let’s take stock at who I am right now.

First and foremost, I am and will continue to be a father.  My two daughters are so important to me and watching them grow will always bring fulfillment and contentment to my life.  ‘Nuff said.

Second, I am a working man.  Until I win the lottery or find hidden treasure in my backyard, I need my job as both a source of income and satisfaction of doing good work.  I believe that whatever you are doing to make a living in this world, you should do it to the best of your ability.  I will strive to be a valued employee to the company I work for.  I don’t have aspirations to become a CEO or anything like that.  Just make a comfortable living to afford the good things in life or at least the semi-good things in life.

So that leads us to my personal life…or lack thereof.  This is something that has been kicking around in my mind for a while now.  When I was married, there were times where I put the job before my family and I regret that but my family was always first.  Since my job had me travelling a lot, I relegated doing anything for me to the back burner so I could spend time with my wife and daughters when I was home.  I suppose I failed a bit at that considering where I am now but regardless, I always tried to put them first. As I said before, it didn't seem fair for me to be out of town all week, come home and then spend all day on the golf course or out hunting (if I hunted). This means I didn't get the time to develop a personal life for myself.  And by that I mean hobbies or interests other than things I did with my family or individual things like reading or writing which I barely did anyway.

Now that I am on my own, I’m paying a bit for not carving out that personal life for myself.  I don’t regret this, by the way. I felt I was doing the right thing for myself and my family and that the other stuff would just grow as time went by.  That may still happen but it will take even longer now that I am on my own.  The point is I have a definitive hole in my life.  That hole was once filled with my marriage, but now, it's empty.  This is a void I need to fill. 

Before I was married, I worked for a company where I had the opportunity to sate my need to do something more than just work and search for dates.  Outside of the friendships I developed and still maintain with the people I worked with (thank you, Facebook!), I was active in company events such as the charities they supported and company picnics.  If there was an event being held that either honored the employees or talked about strategic plans, I was generally involved.  I loved doing that and it helped fill this gap that eventually was filled by my marriage and family but now the gap is present again. With my current job, I work from home and while I could host a company talent show, it would be in my backyard and I would be the only employee present. I do miss that day to day camaraderie of working in an office and have thought if worse came to worst, I could try to find an office job somewhere local.  The problem with that is a) it may be hard to find something with a comparable salary to what I am making now and b) “local” for here would mean at least an hour drive one way to an office…especially an office that could offer the aforementioned comparable salary.  I suppose this is something I could pursue if I needed to but that would really be a last resort.

That leaves finding other ways to bring back something fulfilling to me but we have uncovered a key aspect to whatever this may be.  It needs to be something where I am around other people.  Sure I can continue to blog or even start up my own YouTube channel and that would fill a creative need but I’m still doing those things by myself and they would not give me the gratification of doing something with others.  Friendships are best made when you connect by sharing a common interest. I think at my age, I'm beyond just meeting someone at random and becoming friends with them. That's easier when your younger but harder when you're older.  Call it experience to be able to tell when someone is somewhat creepy within five minutes or just call it being a snob but I'm too old to try work on a friendship at that level. 

That became all too apparent this past weekend when I took my daughters to the indoor pool I have access to where I live and some guy introduced himself while we were in the pool.  That may not sound too weird but when he asked if he could call me “Brother Kevin” and wanted to show me the fancy handshake he learned in the Bronx, I realized that maybe simply meeting people at the pool wasn’t the best idea.  Luckily, I had my girls there and while they are very good swimmers, I needed to “keep an eye on them” so I went to play Marco Polo with them and I HATE Marco Polo.  Probably the worst pool game ever.

But I digresss…

So my options for filling in the void that has been present since the divorce…although pushed to the back while I was finding house, moving, and then getting settled... is to find activities that interest me and that I can do with other folks who share the same interest.  But what are those activities?   What options are available to me?

Before you answer, I have some ideas…but I’ll talk about them next time.

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