Parents, Inc.

Parenting gets put into a different light when a divorce comes around.  Yes, once again, I have released news that has never been considered before.  I would say “Stop the presses” but that would technically mean shutting down the Internet .  I, however, am in the middle of a Words with Friends game and I need that connection to figure out how to spell a word with 4 E’s, 2 A’s, and a J.

Regardless of the newsworthiness of what I said in the previous paragraph, parenting plans are altered when the mother and father no longer want to live together.  The original plan was to raise the children as a byproduct of the parents love for each other and the desire to bring the kids up in that love (at least that’s what it was for me…we may explore this particular topic in a later blog).  Since that love no longer exists, the rules of parenting have to change.  Marriage is supposed to be this great partnership but when divorce happens and children are involved, the partnership still has to be there, but it must become more business-like.  And the business is raising your kids in the best possible manner despite the unusual circumstances.

Let’s take a look at the roles of this new partnership.  The kids are easy:  they are the product we want to put out into the world.  If we are successful with our planning, development, testing and implementation, we will have two finely tuned and environment ready people that will go into the world and hopefully be something even more than what we initially rolled out.

My wife (or the primary caregiver as she is referred to in all the legal documents produced from the divorce) also has a clearly defined role.  Hers is handling the everyday maintenance of the children: get them up, get them dressed, care for their teeth, hair and skin, properly feed them at the appropriate times, make sure they go to bed, also at the appropriate times, and, most importantly, love them.

Ongoing discipline for when the “product” misbehaves is also under her umbrella of responsibility.  When they talk back or get into fights or lie or cheat in Candy Land, she will need to take corrective action to ensure they don’t hit the streets as liars or cheaters or worse, both.

The mother has to run the project plan and make sure every minor and major milestone of the children’s development is met. 

For me, the divorced father or secondary care-giver … which has a less than desirable connotation to it … the role is a bit different.  Yes, I am still responsible for maintaining the proper development of the child in the same manner as the primary care-giver but since my time with them is limited (essentially, a little more than a third of a year), I’m playing more the role of a consultant.  I have this background in raising and loving my daughters but since I have a limited engagement with them, I need to pass on as much as I can in that short amount of time. 

I’ve heard the term “Disney Dad” which is a part time father who compensates on the time missed with his children by giving them what they want, taking them to all kinds of fun places and basically spoiling the heck out of them.  In reading the definition, I didn’t want to do that but I completely understood it.  The desire to show the kids that Daddy is the "Fun Parent" is incredibly strong and will be hard not to do when you only see them every other weekend.  Since I have such limited time with them I want to make the most of that time but not to the detriment of the child.  Spoiling them is not making them ready for the world … it’s putting them at a disadvantage. 

So what do I do? I don’t want them to come over for the weekend and then spend all the time watching TV while I mow the lawn which may have been a typical way we would spend a Saturday when we all lived under the same roof all the time.  But I also don’t want every weekend to be full of Chuck E Cheese and amusement part visits.  I want that to happen some of the time, but not all of the time.  I need to balance the fun stuff with the… well, with the what?   I think that’s the question. 

And unfortunately, it’s a question I do not currently have the answer to.  I need to spend more time in R&D developing the right combination of fun and time well spent.  I’ll need to conduct several SCRUM sessions to discover where I am in this process.  If I apply an agile methodology to my development process, I’ll be able to see the effects of my current plan, tinker as needed, and then reapply.  As I come up with my proof of concepts, I’ll report back here so you can provide some market analysis on my methods. 

Aw shoot.  I guess I could just love them.  That’s been a tried and true business model for developing people for a very long time.  Why mess with that?

Next time: I wrap about bubbles.