The Discord of the Ring

About two weeks after the decision to get divorced, I took off my wedding ring. It just didn’t seem right to wear it and I really wanted to work on removing the tan line.

Let me just say up front that I LOVED wearing my wedding ring. I only took it off to shower because I was worried I would lose it and as it was soap built up underneath it and gave me a rash. I felt naked without it on, though (which was okay when I was in the shower as I typically am naked whilst showering). I would constantly play with the ring while I was working or doing a lot of thinking about whatever happened to be noodling around my brain at the time. I would use my thumb and just turn or flick at the ring…I always knew it was there and it was a comfort to me.

I think using a ring as the symbol of marriage is one of the perfect things in life. Its round so it’s eternal which is what the love in the marriage is supposed to be. It fits nicely on one finger of your hand so it’s incredibly convenient. I mean just think if the symbol for marriage was a nose stud or a fifty pound ankle bracelet.

Because the ring is prominent on the hand, it is also the best method to convey to others that you have committed yourself to another person. That alone should be enough to keep people from hitting on your spouse or at least make you think twice about doing the same. It’s unfortunate in many cases the ring is not enough to prevent that. Maybe if it was a fifty pound ankle bracelet people would be more aware of it.

I loved wearing my ring and it was a difficult decision for me to take it off because I knew that once I took it off, it could never go back on. This was the final proof other than signing all the paperwork that my marriage was over. It was sad and I hated doing it but it no longer held any meaning for me anymore. My marriage was not eternal. I no longer needed the ring to ward off others and while I would like to think it was the ring keeping the ladies from hitting on me, I imagine the real truth is somewhere between “That was never going to happen” and “There was never a chance that was going to happen.”

The ring was no longer responsible for reminding me to be faithful and committed to the vows I made over 8 years ago either. Those vows no longer mattered. They no longer mattered to my wife and thus, they no longer mattered to me. So off the ring went from my hand and into the bathroom drawer. I wasn’t really sure what to do with it and I still don’t know what to do with it. Do I keep it as a reminder of what used to be and of what ultimately became a failure? Or do I throw it into the nearest lake?

As I write this, I’m reminded of one of my favorite songs by Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter. With all due acknowledgements and copyright nods toward Don Henley, the following lyrics have played inside my head for quite some time:

“The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again.
I’ve been tryin’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about … forgiveness
Forgiveness…
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.”

I do think that once you get past the anger, denial, and sadness, divorce is about forgiveness. You make the vows and you try to uphold them but if one no longer wants to follow them, part of those vows should be for the other to forgive. You cared enough about them at one point to start a life together. That same caring should be used when you part as well. I’m not saying I was perfect in doing that and in truth, there are still times where anger or sadness overpowers the forgiveness, but at the heart of it all…at the heart of the matter... I knew it’s what I needed to do.

So, I kept my ring. I won’t wear it obviously but I’ll put it aside somewhere, forget about it, and then find it again at some point in the future. I hope that it will bring back the good memories of what my wife and I once shared and not the bad ones. It will forever be a symbol of what we had and that’s probably something I should cherish.

Now, does anyone know what the rates are at a salon for tanning just the left hand?

Next time: We told the girls