For me, the idea of divorce at first was a hope that the threat of it would bring out counseling and therapy to help save the marriage. You see, I was the one who asked for the divorce, not my wife. This may not have been clear in my previous blogs. As I have written before (most notably in Why? and Relationship Update), I could tell she no longer loved me. We already had one incident some months back where we said we would work on what we were doing wrong in the marriage. From my perspective, that really turned out to be just me working on what I was doing wrong (working too much, traveling too much, not being there for her and the girls). I’m not sure what she did during that time but truth is she was already gone by that point.
Anyway, I popped the question of divorce hoping it would kind of slap her into the reality that she was letting her marriage slip away.
By the way, you never see videos of people asking for a divorce. Once again, we are inundated with videos of men asking their girlfriends to be their wife but I don’t remember seeing one where a couple is at a game and on the Jumbotron the husband asks his wife to not be that anymore (or vice versa). Another service for the Divorce Shower, perhaps.
Back to me asking for the divorce: Maybe if I had done it a year earlier, it would have helped, I really don’t know. When I did ask, she was initially shocked but never fought it. She basically said OK and off we went. It was at this point, the “First Me” came out.
First Me was a sniveling, selfish, whiney, “Why me?” wreck of a man. For the first two weeks after, there wasn’t a day he didn’t cry. He spent time shouting at his wife wondering how she could have done this. It wasn’t his fault they were where they were, it was hers. There was one time First Me was on the phone with his wife and insisted she tell him what he did wrong even though she was with their youngest daughter at the time. “So what?” First Me shouted and was, rightly so, hung up on.
First Me was also the one who came up with the brilliant idea to just move away. Again, this was all the wife’s fault. She didn’t want to work on the marriage so naturally, he had to move back to Texas where he used to live because he moved to NEPA for her and the girls and now that was all gone so why stay? He had friends back in Texas. He needed those friends. He was leaving and it was her fault he would never see his kids again.
Sigh.
I deeply regret ever becoming First Me and I would apologize to my wife for the way I behaved but she has told me she doesn't read this blog, so instead, I will apologize to myself.
<Side Note> If I knew my wife was writing a blog about her divorce experience, I would be reading every last word of that thing and trying to read in between the lines to find a hidden message. I would even read it backwards to see if there was something subliminal in it just like they did back in the day with record albums. </Side Note>
I suppose, though, when faced with this type of life changing event, it’s somewhat natural to lash out. Perhaps it’s even healthy to a point. Still, it bothers me that I fell so low. But when you reach such a low point, all you can do is go up and that’s when Second Me came out.
Anyway, I popped the question of divorce hoping it would kind of slap her into the reality that she was letting her marriage slip away.
By the way, you never see videos of people asking for a divorce. Once again, we are inundated with videos of men asking their girlfriends to be their wife but I don’t remember seeing one where a couple is at a game and on the Jumbotron the husband asks his wife to not be that anymore (or vice versa). Another service for the Divorce Shower, perhaps.
Back to me asking for the divorce: Maybe if I had done it a year earlier, it would have helped, I really don’t know. When I did ask, she was initially shocked but never fought it. She basically said OK and off we went. It was at this point, the “First Me” came out.
First Me was a sniveling, selfish, whiney, “Why me?” wreck of a man. For the first two weeks after, there wasn’t a day he didn’t cry. He spent time shouting at his wife wondering how she could have done this. It wasn’t his fault they were where they were, it was hers. There was one time First Me was on the phone with his wife and insisted she tell him what he did wrong even though she was with their youngest daughter at the time. “So what?” First Me shouted and was, rightly so, hung up on.
First Me was also the one who came up with the brilliant idea to just move away. Again, this was all the wife’s fault. She didn’t want to work on the marriage so naturally, he had to move back to Texas where he used to live because he moved to NEPA for her and the girls and now that was all gone so why stay? He had friends back in Texas. He needed those friends. He was leaving and it was her fault he would never see his kids again.
Sigh.
I deeply regret ever becoming First Me and I would apologize to my wife for the way I behaved but she has told me she doesn't read this blog, so instead, I will apologize to myself.
<Side Note> If I knew my wife was writing a blog about her divorce experience, I would be reading every last word of that thing and trying to read in between the lines to find a hidden message. I would even read it backwards to see if there was something subliminal in it just like they did back in the day with record albums. </Side Note>
I suppose, though, when faced with this type of life changing event, it’s somewhat natural to lash out. Perhaps it’s even healthy to a point. Still, it bothers me that I fell so low. But when you reach such a low point, all you can do is go up and that’s when Second Me came out.
Second Me was the much more thoughtful and reflective side of my post-divorce persona. Second Me realized that while she had a fair share of blame, he also had responsibility for things getting as bad as they did. The divorce wasn't this one thing or that one thing, it was a combination of different things that wrapped itself around the marriage until it choked the life out of it.
Second Me also spent time not as much wondering why but wondering what’s next? The Second Me started this blog to help cope with what was going on in his head. He tried to be as civil as he could when around his wife and also tried to spend as much time as he could with his children since he knew that time would end up being limited very soon.
Second Me also spent time not as much wondering why but wondering what’s next? The Second Me started this blog to help cope with what was going on in his head. He tried to be as civil as he could when around his wife and also tried to spend as much time as he could with his children since he knew that time would end up being limited very soon.
Confident that his life wasn’t over was another trait of Second Me. Finding a house, knowing that he will still be a father to his girls in the best possible way he could, and establishing a new life as a single man helped get Second Me through each day.
Unfortunately, there were times when First Me made an appearance and took down Second Me (one such time detailed in The Healing Walk). I think back to the Incredible Hulk TV series from the late 70’s/early 80’s. First Me was my Hulk and I needed to find a way to control the raging spirit that dwelled within me.
So far, I think Second Me is maintaining control. Even if First Me comes out, I know how to deal with it to put him back inside. I don’t begrudge First Me. He was a part of the process but he was the first part…I’m now in the second part and looking forward to the third, and hopefully last, part of the ordeal where First Me is but a memory, Second Me is a comforting friend and Third Me is the one the world sees.
I look forward to meeting the Third Me. Hope everyone else will too.
So far, I think Second Me is maintaining control. Even if First Me comes out, I know how to deal with it to put him back inside. I don’t begrudge First Me. He was a part of the process but he was the first part…I’m now in the second part and looking forward to the third, and hopefully last, part of the ordeal where First Me is but a memory, Second Me is a comforting friend and Third Me is the one the world sees.
I look forward to meeting the Third Me. Hope everyone else will too.
Next time: I didn’t have to throw away my iPod
No comments:
Post a Comment