Bed, Bath, and Bothered

As I started my new (or renewed) life as a single man, there were certain things I needed to get because, as luck would have it, my ex-wife and I did not have two of everything.  That notion is reserved for Noah and the parents of twins. 

So one of the many days before the final separation, I took an hour or so to go see the stuff I needed and to get an idea on how much it cost.  For example, I needed a bed for myself and for when my two daughters came to visit me at my new place.  No, I was not going to roll out the sleeping bags when they came over.  I thought it would be best they had their own room, furniture and everything else that would make their second home a home and not some campground. 

One thing I found out in that hour or so: There are a staggering number of options for mattresses:  Firm, plush, ultra-plush, pillow-top, foam, memory foam, spring, no-spring.  I had to lie down just to process it all.  Good thing I was mattress shopping at the time. 

The girl’s beds were actually pretty easy.  I didn’t need to get fancy or expensive but I’ll admit to a part of me that wanted to spend as much money as I could afford to have a real kick-ass bedroom for the girls just to spite their mother.  I didn’t of course…I decided that was petty.  Probably writing this blog was being petty enough.    J

I ended up getting a couple of loft style beds that allowed for more room in the bedroom and a desk underneath for doing their homework or arts and crafts, etc. (this may still end up being kick-ass but we will have to wait and see…I’ll report on it later if it means a good topic for one of these and I have nothing else to write about). 

The other problem I found with trying to create a kick-ass bedroom for girls was the fact that there was really only one option for the kick-ass-ness:  princess castle.  This would be fine for my five year old but my seven-going-on-eighteen-year-old would think that was uncool.  If they were boys I would have the option of Star Wars, Cowboys and Indians, Toy Story, Spider-Man, NASCAR, etc.  There were all kinds of things for boys, but I had girls and thus, my only option was princess room or perhaps a Barbie princess room which is just a princess of a different toy manufacturer.

The next stop on my discovery venture was Bed, Bath and Beyond and after walking five feet into the store I was staggered at just how much more I needed than just a couple of beds:  Trashcans, drying racks, cutting knives, cutting boards, paper towel holders, silverware, silverware trays, shelf liner (do I need shelf liner?), pot holders, lazy susans, spice racks (maybe I’ll use the lazy susan?), coffee makers, corn cob desilkers and cooking gadgets of all kinds!  And this was just the KITCHEN!  I still had bathrooms and bedrooms to think about.  I tossed around the notion of just buying an R.V. and traveling around the country but I still needed a paper towel holder, so I dismissed that thought.

I shook myself off and started wandering the aisles of the vast wasteland of goods I probably didn’t need but would probably end up buying.  I texted a friend of mine and asked why they didn’t have Divorce Showers for the one who got the least out of the divorce?  I mean people throw a big party for the engagement and give all kinds of gifts when you’re married, but once you get divorced, you get your friend’s left over dish towels (my friend’s line, not mine but funny enough to steal).  We should really make the Divorce Shower a thing.  Certainly it would come in handy but boy, how depressing would the party be?  With each gift opened “the person of honor” would be reminded what a failure they were at being married.  How many paper towel holders would it take to sop up the tears?

As I was looking at a brown and black bed sheet set, my friend texted me back and said, “I think Bed, Bath and Beyond has a divorced men section where everything is in brown.”  I immediately deleted her from my contact list. 

I left BB&B in a daze and wandered over to Lowe’s to check out appliances.  Needs: a refrigerator and washer and dryer.  I’ve decided there are only a few things more depressing than looking at a washer/dryer combo unit (okay, so maybe the Spanish Inquisition or the Holocaust or slavery was more depressing but I think we can all agree, only by a fraction of a hair). The combo unit just screamed single, lonely individual who may have more income than those who need to use a Laundromat but not by much.  When I was married, we had this awesome front loading washer and dryer.  Did a full comforter in two minutes…okay not that fast but the washer/dryer combo looks like it would have trouble getting a pillow case done in time for the weekend.  I wasn’t going to go low end on the machines but as of this writing, I haven’t actually purchased the set yet. 

The refrigerator was another monster.  The one we had had a measured fill option.  I never needed to use a measuring cup because I could punch in how much water I needed and presto!  The refrigerator would dispense it for me on an extended shelf that could hold anything from a cup to a coffee pot to a large pitcher.  I am a multi-tasker by nature and nothing annoys me more than having to stand there and fill up the coffee pot with water.  Man, I should have put in visitation rights to that refrigerator.   By the way, that nifty, time saving feature of measuring out water?  Practically non-existent in the refrigerators they are making now.  Sure you can surf the internet on your fridge but have it dispense 2/3 a cup of water for your microwavable Mac & Cheese?  Forget about it.

I’m going to start an online campaign for the Divorce Shower.  With more than half of marriages ending in divorce, it could become a nice little cottage industry with perhaps a line of greeting cards, decorations and themes for the party. 

And custom paper towel holders.  That’s a must.

Next time: Living alone with three other people