The Next in Line

And now let me enter waters I shouldn’t even go into…

I don’t know if it’s too early to think or worry about when the “next in line” comes along.  You know, the next date, lover, fiancé, and/or spouse.  Oh and just so we’re clear, I’m talking about my ex-wife’s next date, lover, fiancé, and/or spouse, not mine. 

There’s a part of me that’s saying, “Uh, Kevin?  Do you really want to put yourself through this type of torture?”  And since I’m writing this, I guess there’s another part of me answering, “Yup!”
 

Here’s why this topic is somewhat heavy on my mind.  I still don’t know the exact length of time my wife was checked out of our marriage but I guesstimate about a year or so; possibly a little less time but not by much…eight months maybe.  So, it’s somewhat natural to think that she would be ready to enter the dating scene much sooner than me.  I am only two to three months removed from the realization that my marriage was over.  She’s had plenty of time to get used to the idea and move on.
 

Stupid side note: “Guesstimate” did not come up as an error on my spell checker which means it’s an actual word.  When did that happen? Can I get on some distribution list when words I thought I made up became real Webster-qualified words?  Just asking…
 

For all I know, she’s already started dating.  I mean once the divorce was officially filed, what would there be to stop her?  I know that, for the most part, this is none of my business anymore and I’m not bringing this up because of jealousy…well, maybe not entirely. I’m primarily concerned for my kids.  I don’t know what mind-state my ex is in but I have seen all too often the recently divorced woman who starts going party crazy:  out at bars every night, applying more make-up than they had previously, dressing a little more “showy” than they were before, and cycling through boyfriends like they are changing channels on the TV.  I’m not saying my ex will do all or any of that…those traits don’t really fit in with her personality but I didn’t think giving up on a marriage fit in with her either, so what do I know?
 

In the interest of not sounding like a Rick with a “p”, let’s put aside the possible “party girl-ness” of my ex and take a look at some statistics.  I read that the majority of people who get divorced get remarried within ONE YEAR!  One year!  Can you believe it?  I know I can’t.  What makes that statistic even worse is that more than half of those will end in divorce (because more than half of all marriages, whether it’s the first, second or otherwise, end in divorce).  Go marriage!

I can only assume this part of the population is glomming onto a new love because they just got out of a particularly bad one.  I just wonder how much thought is given to what they are putting their children through.  These poor kids have just gone through the experience of their parents splitting up, living in separate houses and them being shuffled back and forth according to the “visitation schedule.”  Now they must endure someone else stepping in as the new man in their mom’s life (or a new woman in their dad’s life…hey, I can take on some of this).  Even though my kids were made aware of the divorce early on and that Mommy and Daddy wouldn't be living together anymore, just recently my oldest daughter made reference that Mommy was my girlfriend.  They still don’t completely understand.  It astonishes me that people would then knowingly make it harder by bringing in the replacement partner/parent too early.

 

 

When we were working on our separation agreement, I came across something called a “Paramour Clause.”  No, this isn’t a sexy Santa but rather a statement that could be put into the agreement that stipulated neither spouse was allowed to have a romantic partner stay overnight with the children present for a specified period of time or even open ended…no real stop date.  I think having that in there forever is ridiculous but I considered adding the clause to prevent it for 6 months to a year.  To be honest, at first it was mainly out of the jealousy of my wife being with someone else and here was my chance to try to sabotage that.  Then it became consideration for the girls’ mental wellbeing.  Ultimately though, I decided not to include it.  How would I prove such a thing other than hiring a private investigator to sit outside her house all the time or, even worse, grill my girls on it when they were with me?   I think my ex and I have done a pretty good job at keeping the whole divorce process civil and, more importantly, keeping our kids out of it.  The last thing I needed to do was ruin it by manically questioning them on who Mommy might be sleeping with. 
 

Even if I was independently wealthy and could afford the private investigator, what type of penalty could I impose on her?  A deduction in child support?  Take full custody of the girls?  No.  Those penalties strike at the girls as well as my ex.  When we started the divorce process, I always knew the girls would stay with their mother.  It would have been cruel to them to do it any other way.  I still believe that.  Regardless of how crappy she was at communicating and keeping up her end of the marriage, she’s still a good mother and the girls need that. 

Truthfully, the idea of the Paramour Clause and me even writing about this to begin with does lie in jealousy, but not of my ex being with another man; it's with my girls being with another father.  I worry that whoever is next in line will be a better dad than I am or that the girls will like him more than me.  Is this a silly fear?  I wonder how other divorced dads deal with this situation.
 

In the long run, I guess there is nothing I can do about it other than try to be the best dad I can be and hope that my ex doesn’t position Mr. Next in Line as being the better choice.  I do think it will be challenging but having children in the first place has been challenging; realizing your spouse no longer loves you has been challenging; going through a divorce has been challenging…  It’s just another challenge in the long string of challenges that make up our lives.

 

 

I just hope this one turns out to be a very small challenge and not a big one.

Next time: What's in a name?
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