Lawn Moaner

I did not want to mow my lawn.

As I looked down from the front porch onto the steep incline that was my front yard, sweat trickled from my forehead, down my nose and onto the painted steps on which I stood.  My eyes darted back and forth from the trees to the rocks randomly peeking up from the high grass that covered the slope.  This was a yard for skiing, not mowing.  I glanced ever so carefully to my left and when I did, I knew it was a mistake.  There along the edge of my property line, the yard dropped down into my neighbor’s yard, each plot divided by boulders and more rocks.  I gasped audibly.  I turned around and headed back into the house.  I had a marathon of The Office I could watch instead.  The yard…and my fears…would have to wait.

While perhaps a bit dramatic, this basically summed up my thoughts on mowing the lawn at my new house; steep hill in the front, continuing along the sides and rocks surrounding all of it.  The house I lived in previously was on a hill as well, but it was a much bigger hill with a noted but gradual slope that was easy to navigate.  In my old house, I had a yard tractor (or a riding lawn mower but “yard tractor” sounds much manlier).  I loved mowing that lawn because I would just plug in my iPod and ride around the yard for about an hour or so.  When my daughters were younger, they used to love to ride on my lap while I was mowing the lawn which I had no problem letting them do as long as I wasn’t going up or down the hills. 

In my new house, however, the CPS would be called if I let my daughters ride with me while mowing that lawn.  Heck, there’s no way I would use the lawn tractor at my new house.  Even without the steep hill in front and on the sides, the yard is much too small for something like a yard tractor.  I needed a push mower but with that type of mower there came a clear and present danger.  All of my thoughts on the matter were around my fear of trying to cut the grass, slipping, rolling down the hill, bouncing off the rocks and into an oncoming UPS van.  Below is an artist’s depiction of me mowing my new yard.  This picture was made using nothing but the finest graphic artist software available to me:

As you can see, it’s pretty steep and the lawn tractor would have been useless trying to get up that hill unless my goal was to be crushed underneath the tractor.  Then it would have been perfect!  And as I said, the yard is just not big enough to justify using a riding lawn mower even on the flatter areas of the yard (primarily in the back).  No, using that tractor would have been like trying to convince a Republican to vote Democrat purely by posting things on his Facebook wall:  useless.

I put off mowing the lawn for well over a month from when I moved in and even then, it needed to be cut.  I kept using excuses like moving in, getting settled, having the girls over for the weekend and taking naps as reasons not to mow it.  Finally, however, it needed to be done.  Fall was approaching and soon that tall grass would be entwined with leaves making the mow that much tougher.  In order to mow the lawn, however, I needed a machine with which to mow said lawn. 

You see, with a lawn like mine, your typical (and cheaper) mowing option wouldn’t work.  The mower had to be self-propelled but the wheels in the back needed to do the propelling, not the ones in the front.  Rear wheel mowers are probably around $75-$100 bucks more than front wheel ones.  Then I needed to decide what type of starter:  normal prime-choke-and pull, no prime/choke, or electric start.  I decided on no prime/no choke and pull although I seriously considered the electric start but I read most of the starting mechanisms go out within the first month or two and then you’re left with a normal pull start, so I just fast forwarded to having that.

Then there was a litany of other options to consider: how much power; does it include a place to screw in a water hose on the mower deck to easily clean the blades; is there a mulch kit included (I never bag); and how many cup-holders does it have?  All of these are very important things to consider when buying a new lawn mower these days.  The only problem is that I used my “consumer research” as yet another excuse to not get out there and mow the damn lawn.  I just didn’t want to face that Everest like front lawn!  Meanwhile, the grass is growing higher than most of the hair styles of 80’s metal bands. 

Finally, I bought a new mower and yesterday evening, I went out and tackled the task that has been taunting me for the past month.  After putting in oil and gas into the new lawn mower (and it had that new lawn mower smell everyone likes), I fired it up (on the first pull, no less) and started mowing.  I decided to take the flatter areas down first.  No need in killing myself so early in the process.  This way, when the morgue came to collect my body they can comment on how nice MOST of the yard looked. 

The mower bogged down a few times as it choked on grass that really could have used a scythe rather than a mower but Craftsman didn’t make a powered scythe so I kept restarting the mower.  I finally got a feel for when it was about to start bogging and tilted the mower up to clear out the clogged up grass.  I have never had a rear wheel drive mower and let me tell you something, I had to hang on for most of the job.  Again, it’s probably just something I need to adjust to but that thing was dragging me across the lawn in some spots.  I couldn’t believe how fast it was going. 

Okay, enough was enough; I needed to tackle that hill.  I started making passes along the edge, trying to get a feel for it.  Well, when I felt the mower starting to go almost 90 degrees downhill, I had to adjust.  The rear wheel drive was mainly aiding the mower in getting downhill faster at the angle I was trying to cut.  No mower based propulsion system was going to overcome gravity it appeared.  I then started pointing the mower straight ahead and went back and forth in swatches along the hill.  This worked better but I wished my mower had a powered reverse. I don’t even know if mowers come with that option but it would have been helpful.  After getting most of the top and sides done but without getting to the really steep parts, I stepped back, took a look at what I had completed and thought….

Good enough! 

I then went back in and watched Steve Carrell's final espisode on The Office.