The Little Things

Recently, I went back to my “home” state of Texas (I put home in quotes because I’m not originally from there but its where I spent my formative adult years so I like to refer to it as my home state ((Arizona is my other home state where I spent my formative teenage years))).  Outside of seeing friends and family, I also went to Texas for the 19^th season of my Fantasy Football League.  Even though I lived several states away, I made it a point each year to go down there to attend the draft.  This year it was decidedly cheaper since it was just me going and not the whole family.  I like the fact that I have this league and draft to go to each year.  It helps keep me in touch with the friends I have in Texas…although, with the divorce and my need for support to get me through the last few months, I have been in almost constant contact with a handful of them.

A major part of the draft is the poker tournament we have after.  Usually six or seven of the guys stick around, we each throw in $20 and have a tournament.  The payout goes to the first and second place finishers.  On this particular occasion, the cards were falling for me and I ended up winning the thing.  That was $120 in my pocket and it felt good. 

Well, almost good. You see, this was one of the little things in life that is made better when you have someone to share it with.  While I was happy to have the money and to win the tournament, my impulse was to call the MMC (see sidebar), tell her about it and then tell her how I did in the draft…like I’ve done for the past eight years…but that was no longer an option. 

While I am on the mend now that I am on my own, there are still these little moments that become somewhat hollow because I don’t have someone close to share them with.  Any event, no matter how small, becomes much more significant when you get to tell the person you love about it.   For example, in my new place, I decorated a wall with various pictures of the girls and ceramic fish my brother made a long time ago.  I was proud of the placement and the way it looked but even though I enjoyed it, it wasn’t the same without someone to enjoy it with.

I’m not sure how I felt about the little things when I was single (pre-MMC).  That honestly feels like a lifetime ago.  When I experience the minor “life wins” like breaking 100 in golf (okay, 105) or assembling something that has “some assembly required” without having to take it apart because I got a piece backwards, I’m sure I enjoyed them much more back then than I do now, but I doubt I enjoyed them as much as when I was able to tell my wife about them.  I wonder if this says more about the person you are with than it does the event or even more specifically, that you HAVE a person to be share these minor events with.

The other problem I have when the little things occur is the feeling that I should do something to get that person back in my life so that I do have someone to share them with.  For the most part, I don’t think about getting back together with the MMC.  These are the times when I am firmly planted in reality and know that it's over between us.  But when a small win comes along and I don’t have her around to share it with, I start to get lonelier than I did before which in turn lessens the significance of the win.  That loneliness leads to thoughts of what I could do to “win her back.”  Unfortunately, I know that will probably never happen.  I feel certain that even if she felt like she wanted to get back together or that she made a mistake, she would never tell me.  She couldn’t tell me there were problems to begin with, why would she make an even bigger effort to work things out now that we are split up and the divorce will be final in less than 20 days?

No, reconciliation isn’t in the cards and that just means I need to take my little things, enjoy them to the best of my ability and try to not follow that up with bouts of loneliness.  Even better would be to find that next person to share them with. 

If I do that, I would put that in the category of a big thing.

 

Next time:  Talk of whiskers and bracelets.