An Open Letter to My Niece

We interrupt our regularly scheduled blog for this breaking news: My niece is getting married today!

I wanted to share a letter I wrote to my niece and her new husband:
 

To the happy Couple:
 

Please stay that way…the happy couple. Love and marriage can be a tremendous thing. It will give you an incredible high and give you the confidence to lift cars, jump over buildings and sail to the moon. It is truly one of the greatest gifts you will ever know. 
 

The gift that marriage brings, however, must be cultivated; it must be cared for. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t forget that it’s there. If ignored, it will go away. If not properly watered, it will wither.

  

Enjoy each other’s company. Remember that you were friends first and lovers second.

  

Talk. Talk. Talk. TALK. Even if it’s hard. Even if it’s about a subject you hate or makes you uncomfortable. You have to do it. It’s important in order to keep the gift alive. To help you out, my wedding gift to you is a pair of long range walkie-talkies. Think of them as old school cell phones but at a much shorter distance and they can’t take pictures or play your favorite tunes (unless one is propped up against your stereo). With these, there is no excuse not to communicate.

  

The Great Don Henley once sang:
 

“So what makes us any different from all the others
Who have tried and failed before us
Maybe nothing, maybe nothing at all
But I pray we're the lucky ones; I pray we never fall.”

 

I pray you are the lucky ones as well and that you never fall and as long as you care, enjoy and talk, you never will. 

Now go get ‘em!

  

Uncle Kevin

  

I wasn’t really sure how to end that so I decided to act like it was halftime at a football game. Nothing like a coach pep talk to kick off your marriage, I always say. Actually, I don’t think I or anyone ever has said that but I love being original.

  

I guess the reason for posting this as my blog today was to show that despite what I may write in this thing, I am not against marriage. I think it's a wonderful institution and the best way to show and display the love two people share. But the marriage takes work; work from both to make the marriage and possibly more important, the love, last.

   

My wife and I didn't do the work and thus our marriage withered and died. It is one of the things that still makes me sad and goes back the the question I had in the first blog: Why? Why didn't we work harder? I'll never know the answer so the best I can do is make sure people know there is work and maintenance to a marriage. If you don't see it and recognize it, at some point, you'll be faced with wondering where the marriage went. 
 

And that's a terrible point to be at.

  

Next time: Living alone with three other people (for reals this time!)

Bed, Bath, and Bothered

As I started my new (or renewed) life as a single man, there were certain things I needed to get because, as luck would have it, my ex-wife and I did not have two of everything.  That notion is reserved for Noah and the parents of twins. 

So one of the many days before the final separation, I took an hour or so to go see the stuff I needed and to get an idea on how much it cost.  For example, I needed a bed for myself and for when my two daughters came to visit me at my new place.  No, I was not going to roll out the sleeping bags when they came over.  I thought it would be best they had their own room, furniture and everything else that would make their second home a home and not some campground. 

One thing I found out in that hour or so: There are a staggering number of options for mattresses:  Firm, plush, ultra-plush, pillow-top, foam, memory foam, spring, no-spring.  I had to lie down just to process it all.  Good thing I was mattress shopping at the time. 

The girl’s beds were actually pretty easy.  I didn’t need to get fancy or expensive but I’ll admit to a part of me that wanted to spend as much money as I could afford to have a real kick-ass bedroom for the girls just to spite their mother.  I didn’t of course…I decided that was petty.  Probably writing this blog was being petty enough.    J

I ended up getting a couple of loft style beds that allowed for more room in the bedroom and a desk underneath for doing their homework or arts and crafts, etc. (this may still end up being kick-ass but we will have to wait and see…I’ll report on it later if it means a good topic for one of these and I have nothing else to write about). 

The other problem I found with trying to create a kick-ass bedroom for girls was the fact that there was really only one option for the kick-ass-ness:  princess castle.  This would be fine for my five year old but my seven-going-on-eighteen-year-old would think that was uncool.  If they were boys I would have the option of Star Wars, Cowboys and Indians, Toy Story, Spider-Man, NASCAR, etc.  There were all kinds of things for boys, but I had girls and thus, my only option was princess room or perhaps a Barbie princess room which is just a princess of a different toy manufacturer.

The next stop on my discovery venture was Bed, Bath and Beyond and after walking five feet into the store I was staggered at just how much more I needed than just a couple of beds:  Trashcans, drying racks, cutting knives, cutting boards, paper towel holders, silverware, silverware trays, shelf liner (do I need shelf liner?), pot holders, lazy susans, spice racks (maybe I’ll use the lazy susan?), coffee makers, corn cob desilkers and cooking gadgets of all kinds!  And this was just the KITCHEN!  I still had bathrooms and bedrooms to think about.  I tossed around the notion of just buying an R.V. and traveling around the country but I still needed a paper towel holder, so I dismissed that thought.

I shook myself off and started wandering the aisles of the vast wasteland of goods I probably didn’t need but would probably end up buying.  I texted a friend of mine and asked why they didn’t have Divorce Showers for the one who got the least out of the divorce?  I mean people throw a big party for the engagement and give all kinds of gifts when you’re married, but once you get divorced, you get your friend’s left over dish towels (my friend’s line, not mine but funny enough to steal).  We should really make the Divorce Shower a thing.  Certainly it would come in handy but boy, how depressing would the party be?  With each gift opened “the person of honor” would be reminded what a failure they were at being married.  How many paper towel holders would it take to sop up the tears?

As I was looking at a brown and black bed sheet set, my friend texted me back and said, “I think Bed, Bath and Beyond has a divorced men section where everything is in brown.”  I immediately deleted her from my contact list. 

I left BB&B in a daze and wandered over to Lowe’s to check out appliances.  Needs: a refrigerator and washer and dryer.  I’ve decided there are only a few things more depressing than looking at a washer/dryer combo unit (okay, so maybe the Spanish Inquisition or the Holocaust or slavery was more depressing but I think we can all agree, only by a fraction of a hair). The combo unit just screamed single, lonely individual who may have more income than those who need to use a Laundromat but not by much.  When I was married, we had this awesome front loading washer and dryer.  Did a full comforter in two minutes…okay not that fast but the washer/dryer combo looks like it would have trouble getting a pillow case done in time for the weekend.  I wasn’t going to go low end on the machines but as of this writing, I haven’t actually purchased the set yet. 

The refrigerator was another monster.  The one we had had a measured fill option.  I never needed to use a measuring cup because I could punch in how much water I needed and presto!  The refrigerator would dispense it for me on an extended shelf that could hold anything from a cup to a coffee pot to a large pitcher.  I am a multi-tasker by nature and nothing annoys me more than having to stand there and fill up the coffee pot with water.  Man, I should have put in visitation rights to that refrigerator.   By the way, that nifty, time saving feature of measuring out water?  Practically non-existent in the refrigerators they are making now.  Sure you can surf the internet on your fridge but have it dispense 2/3 a cup of water for your microwavable Mac & Cheese?  Forget about it.

I’m going to start an online campaign for the Divorce Shower.  With more than half of marriages ending in divorce, it could become a nice little cottage industry with perhaps a line of greeting cards, decorations and themes for the party. 

And custom paper towel holders.  That’s a must.

Next time: Living alone with three other people

Relationship Update

For the past several months, my marriage was on the rocks. My wife didn’t love me anymore, I could tell and ultimately, it ended. Throughout all the difficulties of seeing that it was over, figuring out how to split up our stuff, countless hours of depression with several empty boxes of tissues and a few toilet paper rolls around me and, the worst of all, telling our children “Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living together, but don’t worry, it’s all going to be okay” (still sounds hollow) … in the midst of all this untangling of the knot that became our lives trying to create two separate strings again, there is one thing I was actually looking forward to doing: changing my Facebook relationship status from “Married” to “Single” (and thus the name of my blog).

Now I know this must seem odd but let me explain. Right or wrong, good or bad, left or right, Facebook has become a part of most of our lives. There are those who profess to not being on Facebook but those are mostly guys and I’ll bet half those guys are lying. If you think about it there is great power in the Facebook status update…or, in this case, a profile update.

First of all, you can’t stop it. If you change your profile and you haven’t flipped the appropriate switches to not show this type of update, it’s out there. Every person you are friends with will know you made this change. But, hey, I didn’t want to stop it. I wanted to harness the power. Instead of calling everyone and letting them know I’m on the “market” again, all I had to do is select a value in a drop down box, click a Save button and BOOM! Instant notification.

However, before I could get to that point, I had to decide exactly what my new relationship status was. I thought my options were just “Married”, “Single” and maybe “Widowed” (hey, my marriage died, wouldn’t that count?). I do remember seeing “It’s Complicated” before but I think that’s just for teen-agers. I mean, unless you're a man that is still-in-the-closet gay and have children with your female cousin who is also a wanted arsonist in twelve states but you can’t say anything for fear of waking up in a burning bed, chances are your relationship is not THAT complicated. I do admit, however, if I had thought of it I would have changed my status to “It’s Complicated” a month or so prior to all of this happening. Seeing something you once thought was so perfect was actually far from it could be classified as complicated.

I also immediately discounted “In a relationship”, “In an open relationship”, “In a civil union”, and “In a domestic partnership.” Before I go on, let me just comment on the last two because I assume these are statuses for gay people. Listen up, gay people, if you are for all intents and purposes married to your significant other then go with  “Married.” All this other bullshit is just that. Bullshit. They are ridiculous labels to make others feel better; those that fear and put down the differences that make the human race a special race to be running in. Well, I say “Screw them.” You’re married and God help you, you may end up writing a blog like this someday (but I hope you don’t).

:: steps down from soap box ::

Okay, I narrowed my choices down to “Separated”, “Divorced” or “Single.” Officially, I am not divorced. Unfortunately, it takes time to get this finalized through our government. We only have to wait seven days to get a gun but it’s 90 to end something you probably should have ended a while ago if only you had proper communication between the two of you instead of keeping stuff bottled up inside until it’s too late to do anything about it and then you’re...uh…

 …ahem… Maybe I’ll just save that stuff for another time.

Now down to two choices: “Separated” or “Single.” “Separated” sounded like we were living in different places but could end up back together again. It would be nice if that were true, but it’s not. It’s over and thus “Single” is the only option that makes sense and completely describes my relationship status. I’m no longer a Couple so I am a Single. If Batman and Robin split up, they would no longer be the Dynamic Duo but rather the Super Single…or maybe the Skillful Single just because Superman would have issues with the first one I came up with.

 So, “Single” it was and is. I saved the change and it magically posted to the news feed of the 294 people I had as friends on my account. The wait began. How long before the first person went “WTF?” in a comment under the relationship update? Without sounding boastful (?...not sure if that is the right word here but I’m going to go with it) I did think the news would come as a bit of a surprise to most. My wife and I had, at one point, a great relationship, marriage, and family and thanks to Facebook, we displayed it to the world…or at least to 294 people in the world (and however many friends my wife had at the time). And we kept showing it up until recently.

How would people react? Would they be sad? Would they be happy? (and if they were happy AND they were female AND they were Single as well, gimme a poke!) Would they care one way or the other? Would they be on my side? Would they be on her side? Would I even care?

No, probably not. The point of the update, for me at any rate, is to use social media the way it was meant to be used. Let everyone “get all up in my bidness.” I could stick my head out the window and shout: “Hey there! Kevin Beddingfield is no longer in the marriage business. He’s signed on as Single and there is a really, really good chance he will stay that way!” But I doubt too many people would hear that. So I invoked the name of Zuckerberg and cyber-announced my inability to maintain a healthy relationship. It’s what Facebook is there for and I for one embraced the opportunity to use it.

It’s funny. There once was a time where I thought I would never visit the Relationship portion of my profile again after I flipped it to “Married.” Boy, was I a sucker. After making this next change, however, I WILL NEVER visit that section again, let me tell you…

…okay, so maybe it will change to “In a relationship” someday… you never know.

Next time: What to get a man who now has nothing…

Why?

Reader's Digest version of what has been going on with me:  I am getting a divorce from the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  This is a blog about what I've gone and am still going through as I transition from married to single.  I'm assuming this isn't an original idea and I know lots of people go through divorce every day, so why should anyone read this?  Why am I even writing it?  Why? Why?  Why?  Sigh.  I'm really sick of that word.

The question of “Why?” has come up so many times over the past few months that it became maddening to me.  I'm sure part of the reason it got that way was because I never had a good answer for it.  

“Why did this happen?”

“Why didn’t she talk to me about it?”

“Why didn’t I see it coming?”

“Why did we both let it get this far?”

"Why is Iceland green and Greenland mostly ice?"

All very tough questions to which I still don’t have answers.

But let’s start out with the easy one I asked earlier:  Why am I writing this blog?  There are actually a couple of reasons:

1)     Therapy - I think by writing this blog it will help me focus my feelings and note some observations about the transition from being wedded to being un-wedded.   I’ll be up front:  Divorce was not what I wanted and if I could go back in time and correct the things I did wrong in hopes it would prevent me from having to write this blog, I would do it in a nano-second. 

The problem (other than the government still hasn’t released their time travel capabilities to sell at the local Wal-Mart) is that as much as I didn't want the divorce to happen, it had to happen.  I won’t write one article on the all reasons why but I’ll try to touch on them from blog to blog.  I do want to stress that this isn't a blog about placing blame.  I think there's enough of that to go around.  It's trying to figure out where I went left when I should have gone right and talking about things in the world of being single that I haven't talked about in years. 

To be honest, I’ve tried to put all the pieces of this thing together but it's a million piece puzzle where all the shapes are the same and the colors are shades of gray.   I’ll never complete it.

As the great Don Henley once sang (and you’ll hear me quote him quite often within these paragraphs): 

“There’s three sides to every story, baby

There’s yours and there’s mine and the cold, hard truth.”

I will probably never know the cold, hard truth and honestly, I don’t think I still even know all of her side, so all I really have is my side. 

Yeah.  I’ve got some issues I need to tend to and I think this may be a great way to wrassle a few of them.

2)     Tapping my creative side – I used to be more creative and do things like write or make videos or even do a little cartooning.  Somewhere along the way I lost that and maybe that had something to do with what ultimately led to my wife no longer loving me like she did.

I’m not sure where I lost it or what I was doing when it fell out of my back pocket but I can only imagine I was working at the time.  For the past two years, my life was more about my job than it was about me, my wife or my two daughters.  I would come up for air every now and then, notice it, and ask my wife if I should do something about it.  I was always told no, it was fine so I went back down into the depths.   Not that I blame my wife for that.  I should have just listened to myself and fixed it rather than waiting for her to tell me to fix it.  I finally did take steps to repair what I could and I felt things improved, but it was just too late.

So, I’m hoping by using this keyboard for something other than programming business process workflows (yeah, I have a nerd job), I’ll get back that creative part of me I used to enjoy quite a bit.

Even if no one ever reads this, it will help me to know it’s out here.  I’ll know that at least I tried to get on digitial paper what has been buzzing heavily around my head for the last several months and maybe it will get me to write about things other than the divorce and being single again. 

That’s the hope, at least, but before we can get there, let’s get some of this current stuff off my chest.  Considering the sensitivity of a subject like divorce and the raw pain it causes, the question still remains,  why am I writing this?   Outside of what I stated above, there is also a real simple answer.

Why not?

Next time:  Making social media work for you